PFC Stewart Peter Bate couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he'd lost his mind. He suspected it might have been the moment he'd watched a giant penis eat Hernandez. If watching a monstrous cock devour one of your squad buddies wasn't an indication you'd totally lost it, then what was?
They'd been on exploratory—xplo—duty. Normally that meant hours of trudging across featureless rocks and dirt in search of something that wasn't featureless rocks and dirt. And normally it was a fruitless endeavor as normally all they found was more rocks and dirt.
This time, as they'd pushed out further, they found something that wasn't rocks and dirt—they found life. The edge of an enormous jungle to be exact. The squad was so shocked to find something that wasn't rocks and dirt they thought it must be a mirage. The ground fell away in a rift that extended into the distance and resembled a great crack in the earth. They couldn't see the bottom as it was hidden beneath a dense green canopy of alien vegetation that covered the floor of the massive canyon. They hadn't seen the jungle from a distance as the canopy didn't extends above the cliff edge they were standing on. It grew in this vast cleft in the earth like moss growing in the cracks of a paving slab.
Radio communication was patchy and inconsistent on this side of the gate. Something to do with different physics. On finding something of interest, and this was massively of interest, they should have returned back to base to report. Squad Leader Reynolds wanted to push on further instead. His reasoning was that they'd only just started the sweep and it would be a waste of an exploratory run to head back now. Bate suspected the real reason was because Squad Leader Reynolds knew that if they did go back the top brass would send in the glory boys from Special Forces instead, and they'd be the ones getting the credit for any new discoveries.
It was an open secret amongst the men that Squad Leader Reynolds had a chip on his shoulder about the 'glory boys' of Special Forces. There were rumors the squad leader had been washed out of Special Forces training for bullshit reasons and had harbored a grudge ever since.
So they'd descended down into the jungle and Hernandez had been eaten by a giant penis.
It wasn't a giant penis exactly, but had looked remarkably similar. All the vegetation in the jungle was a little strange—a little warped, a little over-fecund. The shapes and scents had triggered subconscious imagery that had made the men's balls itch. That itch had been magnified by the heat and humidity beneath the canopy. Sweaty like a ten-dollar-hooker's crack and smelling just as rank, as another soldier had put it.
Hernandez had found the fungus or plant that looked like a giant penis.
"Hey, doesn't that look like a giant cock?" he said, his face cracking up with mirth.
It did. The fungus or plant—if it was either—was a column about ten feet high and fleshy-pink in color. The top bulged out into a reddish bulb that resembled the glans of an erect human penis, though it was probably nothing more than the cap of an enormous mushroom. What really made the resemblance was the presence of two round fleshy growths with wrinkled skin at the base of the column. They looked like a pair of giant testicles.
The resemblance was so striking it was easy to imagine a titan lying just beneath the surface with their erect genitals poking up out of the soil.
Hernandez was still laughing and making filthy jokes about it when the giant penis-shaped thing had bent over and swallowed up his head and shoulders. The thing bent back to upright taking Hernandez with it. His legs kicked out as he went down whatever the thing had for a throat like a drunken Santa going down a chimney upside down. They watched the bulge pass down the column until it reached the base of the shaft and Hernandez's still struggling form was squeezed out into one of the giant testicle-like growths. He continued to struggle and they saw the imprints of his hands and face as he tried to force his way out of the sac. The sac itself started to throb and pulsate in an unwholesome manner.
The rest of the squad, belatedly, once the initial shock had worn off, sprang into action. Their first instincts were to go for their guns and shoot the giant cock-mushroom thing. Nothing happened. They depressed the triggers and their guns refused to fire. Shitty alternate dimension physics, Bate thought. Not only did it fuck up all their electronics, sometimes it fucked with their weapons as well.
Squad Leader Reynolds was first to go at it with his machete. The others followed his lead. The thing looked soft and fleshy, but was fibrous and tough beneath the surface. It shuddered loathsomely as they hacked away. Instead of blood, their cuts brought forth thick white pus that gave off a reek that caught at the back of their throats. They hacked and hacked while the loathsome swollen 'testicle' had scrunched and shuddered and churned Hernandez inside it. Eventually they hacked the main stem down and ripped open the top of the round pulsing ball of wrinkled flesh.
They were too late. They found Hernandez inside. Bits of him anyway. They floated in a milky-white soup. His limbs looked boneless, rubbery and wasted—like meat left in a pot too long.
Bate might have just about been able to ride that one out. Then Hernandez's head had floated to the surface and the eyes blinked open. His face had twisted up and he let out a sigh as if he'd just emptied his nuts into Miss USA. Then it dissolved into milky-white broth. The whole noxious mix had poured out across the floor like a river of stodgy filth. It stank like old semen on a whore's bed.
And that had been that for Bate. He'd sped right out of Sanesville leaving streaks of burning rubber behind him.